It was a post in which she had described her emotions of missing her mom that had made us want to reach Jael Varma. She is a writer, a poet, an aspiring actress, a model, was working in bank as an acquisition manager and is now on the look out for helping people on emotional health.
Her mother who was a single parent in raising Jael succumbed to cancer a year ago and it was hard for the doting daughter to cope with the loss.
Jael shares with Mums and stories, “I was born at Sakleshpur, Karnataka and when I was five years old my parents separated. In fact my dad just left us one day and I assumed he would come back. I would hold on to his shirt and sleep with it for many nights to console myself that he would be back.
Unfortunately he never came back. And he is in a corner of her heart as unrequited love. I recently happened to trace him and though he has expressed he would want to see me sometime, I guess, am not yet ready!
My mom was everything to me after dad left. She was in a reputed position in Karnataka state government and work kept her real busy. While now I feel perhaps she was battling depression hence was complete workaholic, I was raised as a complete loner, books and imaginations were my constant companions.
To overcome my loneliness, I put on a mask of happy lucky go at school, after school I cried wanting my dad’s love, mom’s attention and companionship of siblings. To hide my vulnerability, I turned into a bully and a notorious rebel. To vent out, started writing at the age of 14.
In our country we hardly pay attention to emotional health. I wish we had counselors at school.
I have now of course come to terms with everything that has happened in life. I have been made tough by my mom and life’s situations. I would have these panic attacks even if she was five minutes late from work. Separation anxiety kicked in when dad left and continued….losing mom was my biggest massive fear which I harbored since I was 5.
She was my universe. When I was a little girl, I thought everyone in this world had only mothers. As I grew up I realized fathers actually live in the same house, there are grand parents and siblings too. And, that’s what is called a family, a normal family. I asked Amma, why don’t we have normal family….I don’t remember her answering me but looking away and beyond. There were times, we were each other’s punching bag but we had only each other at the end of the day.
We were one; we were in our own world, our cocoon. And that’s how it was until she breathed her last breath….in my arms.
During the time of ten months when we realized she had cancer we both have tried to fight it out but eventually she had to give up. It is of course not easy to see someone die a slow painful death. Losing one’s parent is extremely painful and somehow I feel in hospitals, especially in cancer hospitals there is minimal attention given to the emotional support for not just patients but people or family members associated with the patient.
It isn’t easy being a single parent and single child who had many questions in her life, that quench for love and normalcy. I even now connect with my mom and of course feel her presence. I am glad she was my amma.” She was my home, a cozy home.
Mums and stories is thankful for Jael to have shared insights on her personal life and wishes her the very best in life.
Jael Varma shares a few thoughts that she had penned on her amma after she had passed away.
Amidst everyday life, out of nowhere it slowly creeps in….inch by inch….like a tidal wave….until it turns into a frenzy.
I lose control over my speech, emotions and I forget my surroundings.
I don’t remember anything. I go into deep delirium….everything goes into abyss. . .
At that very moment, I remember only her touch, her warmth, her smile, her love, her face.
Suddenly clock stops….I plead her to stay a bit longer, I say I can’t live without her. I cry, plead, threaten.
She won’t listen. I see her going away….
Slowly but steadily. I try to hold her, I lose my grip….I fall into bottom less pit, I feel someone holding me and bringing me back to my reality.
This world…this life. Or else immense grief would have swallowed me up, I would have never returned.
I return to me, to my everyday life.
I look back and I see her…..she said; I shall never let you grieve or fall.
I vaguely smile wanting to hold her….yet again.
Until next time, I guess.
(As I write this I smell her, science doesn’t explain everything. There are certain things beyond comprehension)